Bitterball...yes it was

The Experiment:

To do something out of character that will force me to feel uncomfortable so that I get out of my comfort zone.

The idea:

Slacker and Steve's Bitter Ball for singles on Valentine's Day

The Goal:

To go by myself so that I am forced by myself to talk to men I find attractive and make conversation.

The Result:

Failure, because me and my big mouth and scaredy pants ways invited a fellow single lady to go with me. Which did not help me because I felt obligated to hang out with her instead of mingling. Plus my friend was sick and I was also feeling out of sorts. So, flirting with single, hot men did not happen. Though I did get hit on twice by really drunk men, so maybe it counts that I can attract the alcoholics...yippee just what a woman wants a slobbery, slurring, smelly mess of a man.

The reason I wanted to do this because I have this issue that if I find a man attractive I can't seem to be my wonderful self I have this tendency to start ignoring them and if I can't do that I encourage them to date other people, while my inner voice is screaming, “I want to date you, pick me, pick me!” Pathetic I know, and the really sad part is when I find a man unattractive I can flirt up a storm and I just end up leading them on, it is just awful.

I am not giving up on myself I truly want to learn to become more confident with men I find attractive but I think I need to find them in better places other than a bar with loud music. So, here I go I will someday date a man that I found attractive, someday I will get to be that woman who can go up and flirt with any type of man with confidence because I believe in myself and know that I am perfect just the way that I am. Also, being single is not the kiss of death, I actually quite enjoy it, but I would like some companionship and sex. So, maybe I will work on building my confidence at Starbucks instead of at a bar and maybe instead of flirting with the safe ones I'll find a dangerous one and give it a go.

Manda

Life?

Life. It's a crazy thing to live, especially when you think your life should be lived a different way and it isn't. How do you accept the life that is and not what you dream it to be? Is there a way to make the dreams in your head match reality? I always had an idea of what I thought I wanted, yet something completely different would come into my life and it would resinate better with me. So, how I believe my life should be isn't true at all. How do you know what you truly want, or what is truly meant to be your life?

Work grrr....

AAAAAAaaaaaaahhhhhh! It is hard being positive in a job that sucks! My boss finds women threatening and can't stand up to men. For a woman in her position she certainly doesn't know how to manage. She loves to micromanage, belittle and make sure that you know that you are nothing but an annoyance and even though you been in your job for 5 years you know NOTHING!

Okay, Okay, time to let the anger go....grrrr....trying to but it just sticks there and won't go away. I try to chant (when I remember) that she may be blessed to her highest good, that she may be happy, healthy and filled with loving kindness. I think I also need to chant this for myself. I am trying to turn my view away from the negative in this job so that I can attract a new job for myself. I really need to change my way of thinking, boy it is so hard but I am determined.

Affirmation:

I can change my thinking so I can change my life!

Change the way you look at things

I am realizing that if I change the way I look at the things, situations and people in my life that what I am looking at will change. I have gotten so focused on complaining and seeing only the negative in my life so lo' and behold my life continues to reflect those negative thoughts. I choose to let go and start changing the negative thoughts into positive ones so that I may attract a healthier life, love, goodness and greatness into this life I am living in this moment.

Today I choose to bless those who are rude, to always have a kind word on my lips, and to know that I am capable of changing my world by changing my thoughts.

Affirmation:

Happiness is a choice and I choose it and reflect it to all those around me.

Jobs and positiveness can it happen?

A year of positiveness or at least taking small steps in that direction is challenging, especially towards my job. I know, if I would only speak positively about my job, boss, employee's and customers I won't be so stressed out...I think. Well, here goes I am going to work on speaking positively and reacting positively...this is going to take a lot of discipline.

So, when the boss comes down and starts talking to me as if I have no clue to what I am doing (I have only been doing this same mundane job for over 4 years and not much changes)I will remember to take a deep breath, sheath the claws and remember that she is just making sure everything is getting done properly.

When an irrate customer comes up to complain bitterly about losing all their money (that they chose to put in the machines), I will remember they are not yelling at me personally but at the company I work for.

Finally, I will keep my mouth shut about any and all employees. It isn't worth the drama that happens when the person you are bitching about (thought you were telling someone in confidence) is told about what you were upset about and continues to act childish towards you. If I wanted them to know I would have told them myself. Sometimes you just need a bitching session but having one at work is never a good idea.

Wow, this is a lot to remember. See, I have this problem of making too BIG of goals. How about this I will just remember to chant, "I like my job, I like my job", and will call it good.

Realization:

Small steps, small steps.

Affirmation:

My job helps supply my needs and wants it is a good job with good employees and a good boss. I like my job, I am thankful for my job and all that it gives me.

New Year, New Beginning of Small Steps

The new year has begun and this year for resolutions, (mind you I am thinking of these 4 days after the new year), I have decided to resolute something different. Instead of saying, "I will get in shape; I will stop drinking Pepsi; I will be more out going", I have decided this is the year of trying to be more positive towards myself and who I have become.

No more putting myself down, or saying hateful things about me or anyone else for that matter. This is one very hard thing to do, but I believe for my spiritual, mental and physical well-being it is a matter of great importance. So, (huge breath in) here I go. Small steps. I know that I am not going to become master guru in one day, or Gandhi in two but little steps count.

Now if only I can lock all those who annoy me away...that would pretty much be everyone I come in contact with so, I better try harder on being positive.

Realization:

This world does not revolve around me no matter how much I think it does. There is always some one out there with a much more horrible life story than mine. Also, to look at each person I encounter and realize they have love, hate, joy and sadness in their life too, and maybe all they need from me is a smile.

Affirmation:

Breath, just breath and let go, it's not worth hanging on to anger, especially when is really isn't going to matter 5 minutes from now.